Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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