My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
