im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.