worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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