Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
