remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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