I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
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I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
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Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
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