Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
