I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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