I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Im part way to drunk.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
