i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
