got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
