this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
