Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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