My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
