Your dad touched me again.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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