sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
