ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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