every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
