Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
