i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
