im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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