Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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