I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
