Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
