I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
