Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
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she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
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Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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