Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
