it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
