you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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