Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
