You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
