o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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