Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
