life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
