Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
