My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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