she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
