Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
