Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
