he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
