I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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