The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
