The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
accomplished twins. life is a go
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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