Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.