you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
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someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
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WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.