you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left