Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner