Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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