you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
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Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
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Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I wear drunk well.
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