i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
