I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
