Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
