Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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