We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
