I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
