Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I supernannyed him into submission
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
