I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
