this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
